Something that you don’t know how it’s possible.
At the first, no, I mean, not
really the first time but sometimes you feel like you are going to give up,
feel like everything is falling apart but you are not. You shouldn’t.
After all that happen, this is
the first time I feel like I am going to give up. I want to run away to somewhere.
To the place that nobody knows me. To a place that make me feel like ‘I can be
myself’ or ‘I feel free’. Yeah, I think that I am seeking for a “freedom”.
I think, all that I do were not
the right one. I feel like “Oh no, this
is not what I want” or “This is not
me”. Then I am falling apart. I am drowning myself.
But something was happen.
That night, I was going to watch
a new movie with my friend. That was Tomorrowland, Directed by Brad Bird. After we got the ticket, we were
going to eat something first. While we were eating, we are chatting about some
topic like our friends (not gossiping), family, love, and future. And the main
topic here was a future.
We were both young, still seeking
some “reason” to run our life. But at that time, we were in the situation like
we were going to give up. I didn’t meant “giving up” like something we were
going to end our life but give up to what we were doing right now. We struggled
about our study, our life. We planned to run away to somewhere that nobody knows
us, and searching for our true passion. To starts a new way of life.
But, after I watched the movie, I
changed my mind.
That movie punched me in the
face. It yelled at me. Make me look like a loser.
I realized that we (me and my
friend) were not mature enough then. We just didn’t want to “understand” that “it”
was life. We knew it, but we won’t understand. We understood but pretended that
we didn’t. We just didn’t want to be hurt. We thought that “we are going to
give up” but the truth was… we were just tired. Because there’s no hope left. There’s
no dream.
That movie told me, it talked to
me. Said that
“You are the one that know yourself
but you pretend you don’t. You don’t want to be hurt but you already in pain, you already hurt. You make your own vision
and make yourself confuse about your future. Make you going to give up and in
the end… you are running away.
You make a bad vision and think that the way it
should be. You don’t think the other way. What if you have been dream a better
day, doing all the way you “should” do and you realize that you have a hope. You
are a dreamer. You already make your own dream. You know what you should do
about your dream but you pretend you don’t”.
Actually, you are not giving up. You are just tired. You just have to
crying out it all and accept the pain in your heart, accept that you are hiding
just now.
After that, you just have to forgive your heart, stand up against the
sky and say…
“I am not giving up! I just have a bit rest for my heart and then I can
stand up again, do all my best to be happy!”
I understand that it's not easy
at all. I know I will fall again, cry again, hurt again, but it’s okay.
As long as I won’t give up.
